How not to finish last at the NDW50

When most people say, "I'm a really slow runner!", they usually mean, "I am saying I'm slow - so in case you turn out to be fast during this conversation, I don't look silly."

But I am really slow.

I am not athletically gifted, and I have been last in sporting endeavours since primary school. My secondary school P.E. teacher described me as "clearly very gifted, academically". When I wasn't forgetting my P.E. kit, I was hanging around far away from whatever sporting activity was occurring during that lesson, particularly if it was running. Physically, I was a late bloomer; and then I never really bloomed.

I am also a very sensible runner at the start of races. I pick a deathly slow pace and then try to hold on.

These two things together mean I am exceptionally slow at running. At the Stort30 in October 2013, a race along a canal tow path, I finished 98th out of 122 runners in a time of 6 hours 11 minutes. The runners who finished after me were all runners in older categories and most of them female. This has always been the way for me, and I have never let it bother me. Until now.

As the runners left the starting area of the Stort30 and headed down the road towards the canal, my panicked brain looped over the following thoughts:

1. "Do these people know we're running 30 miles? This is my 5k pace."
2. "We are all going to die at this pace. I will be first."
3. "I should have packed the sodding space blanket."

I didn't die, but I was definitely the last male under 35 to finish the race - by about an hour.

Aside from my lack of natural athleticism, here are some things that led to me being so slow:

• My training peaked at 40 miles per week. Not ideal for a 30 mile race.
• I spent around 10 minutes at each of the 5 aid stations. Boom, there goes an hour.
• I stopped to take photos on the route.
• I spent 5 minutes talking to a fisherman.
• I stuck to my slow 5 hour finish pace - and then slowed down half way through.

I am running the North Downs Way 50 in four weeks (May 17th 2014), and I have set myself the difficult task of not being the last male in my age category for the race.

To accomplish this, I will have to do things slightly differently on the North Downs.

Unfortunately, my training isn't going to be the thing to save me. I look set to peak at 40 miles per week again. Fairly disastrous for a 50 mile race. Especially as I keep seeing people on Twitter saying things like

• "Just finished a 30 mile long run for the NDW50"
• "60 mile weeks are really hard #NDW50"
• "Just ran the London Marathon for NDW50 - twice"

I'm starting to think that these tweets must just be mind games designed to throw me.

I noticed that for the NDW50, space blankets are mandatory for every runner. I think it's because they saw I'll be running. Sorry everyone.

As it's too late for my improved strategy to be related to training, I am left with having to make changes to my race day strategy.

• I will have to organise myself to spend no more than 2 minutes at each aid station. No sitting down or lying down or playing dead.
• No photos, no Twitter, no calling people.
• No talking to fishermen. (This may not be a problem on the North Downs, unless there is more flooding.)
• Don't start at a stupidly slow pace. Pick a slightly more adventurous pace and use walking breaks to slow it down naturally. This should prevent any death marches at the end.

If my P.E. teacher knew that my plan for a running race centred around better planning, he might not point out that I have no natural ability; but I think he might point out that I only managed to organise my P.E. kit to be in my bag one in every three lessons.

I think I should have trained more.